Becoming the Fully-Expressed Woman.

There is a version of you that feels natural, present, secure, expressed, and at ease in her own skin. 

She acts without overthinking, is more often-than-not fully present, knows what she wants and moves through life without constantly abandoning or berating herself. While these are the surface traits, and certainly attractive what we are really talking about is in fact a woman expressing personal power. 

Many women are uncomfortable talking about power and would prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist, except in board rooms. But ignoring it costs us living a life that feels in alignment with our true north.

Being fully expressed comes from trust in your power and leadership. The fully empowered and self expressed woman is resistant to influence that doesn’t align, she is harder to manipulate because she trusts herself, she is comfortable holding influence. It’s not “power over,” (though if done with consideration, responsibility and atunement that can certainly also be very good thing.) It’s more about being capable and empowered to live and express as she desires, fully, and the good news is, this is a skillset you can learn.

Most people assume becoming this woman is about attractiveness, confidence, status, being perfect, or superior cognitive ability.

But we’ve all met the outliers… the curvy woman with the total embodied feminine magnetism. The ballsy dominant woman for whom men go gaga over meeting her voracious demands, mutually the on-paper perfect woman who lives to please and just can’t seem to get the respect or authority she’s earned.  

For many women, being fully seen STILL does not feel safe. There are alot of reasons for this but as some theorists like Elayne Kalila suggest when women had limited access to resources, employment or independence, as we saw through multiple generations of recent history, being chosen, pleasing others, submitting and exhibiting whatever attractiveness traits were fashionable at the time became closely tied to safety. This may have reinforced patterns of comparison, performance and competition between women that still echo today. Additionally complying with fashion and competition for status is very good for business as you can’t sell anything to a satisfied and confident person. We are targeted through marketing suggesting the million tiny optimisations we can make which promise greater status, but it’s hollow, not a felt experience. It washes away as the trend shifts, or as soon as we remove the lipstick, and we are left back at square one. All of this can also take us away from expressing our uniqueness or knowing what we want and force conformity over uniqueness.

These patterns may exhibit not only consciously and emotionally. When, due to the fact we couldn’t work or vote or fight, this becomes a core survival skill and a means to gain resources or influence, these skills would be passed down genetically and intergenerationally, too. Sometimes the distrust of personal expression really is even in women’s own bodies, carried through generations as an instinct to keep their offspring safe when they had limited access to power.

Well, given our history and that if we stop people pleasing people may not be pleased, becoming the fully expressed woman STILL feels fraught for many, so why should you bother? Beyond the fact that you read the title of this article and felt a pull (that’s desire) and you KNOW there’s something here, becoming confident in your power and being brave enough to live in alignment with your inner nature leads to less internal tension and stress, makes other’s feel confident and contained with us and aware of how to please us, higher self confidence, greater sense of meaning in life, clearer, more aligned decision-making, more honest and satisfying relationships, better boundaries, less resentment, less tolerance for misaligned dynamics and wasted time, increased energy and reduced mental load, greater sense of pleasure, aliveness and desire, stronger self-trust, improved emotional resilience, a deeper sense of feeling like yourself, decreased codependence and need for other’s to “make us happy” due to self trust and greater ease developing mutually beneficial collaborations.

What happens if it doesn’t feel safe to be yourself?

It may feel unsafe to be empowered, receive what other women lack, be seen, express desire, take up space, receive etc.

We reference past experiences If at any point in your life being visible, powerful, chosen, expressive or direct was met with rejection, criticism or withdrawal, your system learns quickly to respond to avoid the pain. 

One common destructive adaptation is to ‘freeze.’ To not respond in the moment. Occasionally an interaction comes up than triggers you, like an off the cuff request you would loathe to do, when someone makes a thinly veiled insult about your lipstick, when someone reveals a last minute change in plans you are not okay with, when your boss strongly insinuates your promotion is tied to your willingness to date his nephew.

Fearing attack, competition or consequence you might freeze, hold back your opinions, soften your desires, agree to something misaligned or  overthink how you are being perceived.

This is biological protection that has sadly been lifesaving at some point in our or our ancestral legacy. But it’s causing us to give away power when it would be best to engage in mutual empowerment, or correct a dominating or abusive dynamic.

In this article I will outline how to do that and step into your fully self expressed era. 

So, what exactly is different about the fully expressed woman?

1. The Fully Expressed Woman is congruent with her desires

One of the most striking qualities of a woman who feels safe to be herself is congruence or integrity.

What she feels, wants and thinks is aligned and mirrored in what she says, how she acts and what she does.

Your sense of power becomes distorted when your internal experience and external expression do not match. From a psychological perspective, being misaligned with our inner nature creates cognitive dissonance, a term introduced by Leon Festinger. When we consistently override our own desires, the nervous system registers strain. Over time, this contributes to stress, lack of self trust, indecision and a sense of disconnection from self.

The first step is : We must uncover and own our desires. Our power as creators is inextricably linked to  desire. Desire carries creative power, but also more crucially if not used in service of what really matters, what even is the point of gaining expression, power or influence?

Power that is disconnected from what we truly want becomes hollow. It turns into performance, status chasing, or control for its own sake, that isn’t true power. Additionally, when desire is denied or suppressed it doesn’t disappear. It leaks out sideways: through addiction, resentment, manipulation, insecurity, even tyrannic control (the least responsible expression of power that is brittle because it doesn’t capture peoples hearts or minds) So at least know yourself and what you want. It's a spark of lifeforce energy deep inside and being in connection with that potent capacity to bring lifeforce into the world is about as female as you can get, yet we got the message that it was feminine to attend to other’s desires first…

Congruence is not about acting on every impulse, it's just about being honest with yourself, condoning your desires and responding to them for the best outcome of all.

A simple place to begin is simply noticing your desires. 

Practice: When a desire occurs to you write it in your notes app, I want a croissant, I find them attractive, I want him to hold me for longer etc. You don’t have to act on each one, but you do need to NOTICE. You’re building capacity for internal alignment.

2. She is alive, awake and tuned in to her body.

Many women are intelligent, capable, perceptive and attuned to others, yet struggle to sink their attention fully into their body and experience the moment peacefully. This keeps us hung up on how we are perceived and locked into performance for others vs congruent self expression.

This is because her attention has been trained outward for a long time.

Turning our attention within softens us into awareness of our desires. We can’t be aware of our most alive longing if we aren’t in our body, that’s where it lives. This important practice can be profoundly calming and pleasurable. We must feel and own our desires, as we discovered that is your life force creative energy and what you want to cultivate power or influence to bring into the world. This is the seat of your power.

Neuroscience supports this. Interoception (sometimes called embodiment) the ability to sense internal states, is mediated by the insula (also responsible for stress response.) Strong interoceptive awareness is associated with better emotional regulation and decision making.

I strongly recommend everyone have an embodiment practice of some kind.You can build this.

Pause several times during the day, slow your breath and sink your awareness inside yourself and ask:

• What am I feeling/sensing/experiencing?

• Where is my attention?

• What do I want right now?

Without correcting the answer.

Additionally, a regular practice involving mindful connected movement is fantastic. I love yoga for this, but you can do any activity or movement mindfully. Wash the dishes with full presence if you like. Some women benefit from practicing ecstatic dance, five rhythms, contact, martial arts, or embodiment coaching for women. Any practice that brings you repeatedly back into your body is great. 

3. She knows how to move the attention from inward, to outward, when it matters 

   
   

I learned this eye-opening truth about power from a dominatrix (who better to understand these dynamics?) Kasia Urbaniak author of Unbound - a Woman’s Guide to Power teaches that one of the most powerful shifts a woman can make is reclaiming her attention. We just learned about attention in, and the liberating feeling of being expressed, connected to pleasure and surrender. Turning attention out is another transformative skill, and it works for two distinct but separate purposes.

As you now know when attention is directed inward, surrender, desire, enjoyment and internal guidance emerges. When it is directed outward in moments of pressure and conflict with the other party, presence replaces self-consciousness and we strengthen our ability to influence others as they register our attunement to them as either containment and consideration when the are acting in good faith, feeling safer to surrender, or forces their attention back in on themselves to observe when they’ve crossed a line, effectively calling out the behaviour and encouraging correction when they are attempting to dominate or abuse power.

Attention in: SUBMISSIVE. Connects us to surrender, discernment, alignment, embodied presence and desire. 

Attention out: DOMINANT. Use it to counter the freeze/self-consciousness, create a safe container for discussion, identify and counter resistance, draw attention to bad actors cleanly and influence others.

Whether we want to express ourselves well or influence others we must demonstrate considerate leadership and concern for their desires if we hope to ensure our collaborators feel safe and positive about supporting our desires coming to fruition also.

And, if someone is attempting to dominate or disempower us without regard we need to call attention to it and hold onto our power. 

In both instances you need to put all of the attention out on other party.

There is a quiet confidence in a woman who trusts herself to act and does not need things to become extreme before she responds.

With attention out she notices even subtle misalignment.  She registers other’s resistance, trusts discomfort and confronts it before damage is done.

When many untrained people are put on the spot or feel someone vying for power, their attention collapses inward.

How am I coming across? Am I safe? What do they think of me? Am I saying this right? Etc.

This inward spiral activates the brain’s default mode network, which is associated with rumination and social anxiety.

Women who feel safe being themselves practise something different.

When they feel put on the spot they move their attention outward.

They listen. They observe. They stay present with what is in front of them. They break the silence by directing the attention back onto the thing causing the freeze. Next, they ask a question that basically states what you think is going on, in order to turn the spotlight back onto the other.

If they’re attempting to disempower:

It seems like you’re hoping I would dig the trench for you, is that what you meant?

It’s sounding like you have some judgement towards women who wear lipstick, is that right?

It sounds like you want to back out of the agreement we made, is that true?

For a moment It sounded like my promotion is tied to my willingness to date your nephew, is that what you meant?

This simple shift reduces self-consciousness and shines a spotlight on what’s murky, ambiguous or out of alignment.

It is trainable. Notice the other person. Notice what’s being said, inferred  or felt by the other.

Not everyone is a bad actor, this process works equally well in more innocent instances where you want to capture hearts, influence or strike a winning compromise.

Also effective: Turn your attention out and watch for resistance to your influence, try to figure out how they feel and ask a question based on what you notice.

It seems like my comment made you feel criticised, is that true?

Your shoulders stiffened when I announced that, are you worried about what this means?

It seems like you really wished you could have had ten more minutes of cartoons, is that right?

You look like you’re really concerned about what’s happening here, did i get that right?

Continue until you identify how they’re feeling. Your attunement to their feelings makes them feel held and safer to surrender.

Next move into approval. You’re not agreeing, just accepting what is. This is important as the next step is to influence.

Locate: It seems like you really wished you could have ten more minutes of cartoons, is that right?

Yes

Approve: Oh, i understand that! Cartoons are fun and you’ve had a very busy week and probably just want to relax and have some fun. It’s ok to feel that way.

Influence: But it’s time to go to preschool now to see Josie and play. Let’s find a different wish that can come true. What can you do that would feel relaxing or fun while we get ready? Do you want a hug? Do you want to listen to your song in the car and sing? Do you want a headstart racing me to the front door?

Holding them in your attention is stabilising. They feel cared for and lead with confidence and will be happier to give you what you want. It can feel amazing and liberating to be lead with this degree of presence.

You’re not caving. You’re not saying my need to get out of the house is invalid, you’re holding both their resistance and your need as sacred. This is beautifully powerful. Everyone holds onto their power but what you need still gets advocated for.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and I highly recommend reading Unbound for deeper exploration!

4. She has patterned safety with power and visibility

For many women, power and visibility have been unconsciously linked with risk. We need to practice power and visibility and build our tolerance for it, one of the most evidence-based ways to shift fear is exposure.

Exposure therapy is widely used in psychology to treat anxiety and avoidance patterns. The principle is simple.

Gradual, repeated exposure reduces the brain’s fear response.

Applied to self-expression, this looks like:

• Speaking up in small ways

• Expressing preferences

• Allowing yourself to be seen

• Attending held events that support free expression in allowing containers

  
  

Each experience teaches safety and builds identity as the fully expressed woman. Not all at once. Step by step. A little trust ventured and honoured means we grow in our capacity for it.

Each experience teaches the system something new, like:

• This is safe

• I can handle this

• Nothing bad happened

Over time, identity changes.

Safe exposure may also include attending ecstatic dance, five rhythms or other strongly held group movement based practices where you can play into self expression that feels unrehearsed, raw, novel or weird, safely. In confronting those self conscious parts you can liberate alot or suppressed truth. Practising an embodied state can also be more spontaneous and pleasurable in allowing, held environments 

Breath awareness is another one of the most effective tools here. Many people will unconsciously slow their breath when sinking awareness into the body anyway. Slow, nasal breathing when performing self expression or embodiment exercises has been shown to increase vagal tone and reduce amygdala activation. In simple terms, it teaches the body that it is safe to express.

Kinesiology can add another layer, helping to identify and shift the patterns that are stored beneath conscious awareness.

With time, support and practice visibility becomes safer and expression becomes easier.

Bringing it together

A woman who feels safe to be herself is not fearless, she has just trained her system to tolerate being seen, to stay present, and to navigate resistance masterfully.

• She is congruent with her desires.

• She knows what she feels.

• She notices early and responds.

• She trusts herself to respond appropriately

• She allows herself permission to be expressed

• She has anchored safety through consistent practice

This is not just something you think your way into. It is something you practise, gently and consistently, until your body begins to trust it.

And when that happens, life opens in a way that feels both powerful and natural.

If you would like support in developing this capacity within yourself, this is the type of work I do with clients through Kinesiology and Breathwork.

Book a 1:1 Kinesiology session

Or register for a free 15 minute telehealth to explore what support might look like for you, just respond telehealth to this email.

Yours in Health and Happiness

E xx

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