What Every Child Needs More Than a Perfect Parent
- erinricketts
- Sep 25
- 6 min read
Do you ever feel guilty for snapping at your kids, losing patience, feeling ill-equipped to respond to their big feelings or repeating the very patterns you swore you wouldn't repeat from your own childhood? If this is your story, you’re not alone! Almost every parent I work with comes in carrying the weight of “Am I doing enough?” or “Am I messing them up?” and to be fair, to paraphrase Brene Brown, that same self doubt is generally darn good evidence that you are engaged and trying to do your best as a conscious steward of your little people's wellbeing.
Here’s the truth: your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present, regulated and to model emotional intelligence and happiness, at least some of the time.
The Power of Co-Regulation
Children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching and experiencing yours. When you are calm, or have practices that help you become grounded, and emotionally safe, your child’s nervous system learns safety too. This process is called co-regulation.
When you are dysregulated, anxious, flooded or reactive, your child’s body doesn’t need words, it perceives the tension. One study "The Visual Cliff" researched how infants employ "social referencing." 10- and 15-month-olds measured inhibition toward touching a toy after exposure to different caretaker expressions in relation to the object (anger, disgust, neutral, joy). Results: anger produced greatest inhibition, then disgust, then neutral least. Joy increased approach / touching the toy. In summary your child is watching your cues about how you feel about everything. Your cues, subtle and overt determine how they interact with the world. That’s why getting a handle on your triggers, your patterns, and your stress response matters more than perfect parenting strategies.
Don't get me wrong... emotional regulation is tricky! It's a new skillset that many of us simply weren't taught. In this article I will outline some helpful hints to help you raise happy well adjusted kids and foster family harmony..
Breaking Generational Cycles
The last 40 years have been incredible for revolutionising emotional intelligence through breakthroughs in children's developmental psychology, attachment theory and emerging neuroscience on stress and trauma. Although our caretakers were working with the best they had, many of us were raised with emotional habits like, suppression, shouting, guilting, stone-walling, avoidance or perfectionism that don’t serve us now. Without tools, those patterns naturally sneak into our parenting. The good news? You can interrupt them. You can give your kids something you maybe didn’t always receive: calm, attunement connection and emotional safety.
Modelling Emotional Intelligence for Your Children
Children learn far more from what you demonstrate than from what you say. Modelling emotional intelligence means showing your child how to name, accept, and manage feelings in healthy ways. This doesn’t require perfection, just honesty. When you feel frustrated, for example, you might say: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take three slow breaths before I decide what to do next.” or: "I feel disappointed I didn't get what I wanted, it's ok to feel sad while I let go of what I loved, but sadness always passes and I will feel better soon." This shows your child that emotions are not dangerous, but signals that can be acknowledged and worked through. Over time, this kind of modelling helps children develop resilience, empathy, and confidence in navigating their own emotional world.
Why Your Happiness Matters to Your Child
It is easy to believe that sacrificing your own joy is part of being a devoted parent, but research consistently shows that parental wellbeing directly impacts children’s emotional health. When you are fulfilled, calm, and connected to your own life, your child feels safer and more secure. Kid's learn from infancy that they are vulnerable without your presence, attunement, provision and support. Your happiness is not selfish, it’s essential. Children thrive in environments where their caregiver is not only meeting practical needs but also radiating a sense of stability, vitality, and joy. Prioritising your own wellbeing sends a powerful message to your child: “It’s safe to take care of oneself and fulfil oneself, and, your caretaker is content and safe, therefore you are safe to play, explore and relax.”
A Co-Regulation Process You May Use with Kids.
Above we explored how everyone benefits when you take responsibility for your triggers and happiness as a caretaker, but here's a process you can you actually follow when your child/ren are emotionally flooded.
Pause & Ground Parent takes a few slow, deep breaths, places hand on chest/belly. Internal reminder: “I can be calm for both of us.”
Enter Gently Parent gets to the child’s level. Soft voice. Gentle eye contact. If child allows, a comforting touch.
Name & Validate
Say: “It looks like you’re feeling (angry/scared/sad.)”
“I understand, feeling this way is hard.”
Establish that emotions are safe, not shameful.
Shared Regulation Tool
Choose a breathwork exercise (e.g. 10 slow breaths in and out nose for 4 count or “Physiological sigh," Through the nose take a full inhale, then a short sharp sip of air at the top, then a longer sigh as you exhale out the mouth, do 5-10 rounds (great for regulating nervous system.)
Or a movement/sensory activity e.g. try swaying (grounding) or shaking whole body (good to diffuse frustration), giving themselves a big hug with subtle compression on the ribcage or hugging a plush toy. (comforting)
Do it together: the parent leads, child follows.
Reflect & Reassure
After some calm returns, talk: “You did so well getting through that.”
Maybe ask: “What helped you feel safer?”
Reassure: “I’ve got you.”
Practice & Predictability
Use this strategy regularly, not just in crises.
Teach early signs of dysregulation together (before meltdown), so both parent and child notice and intervene earlier.
Remember
Not all children or parents respond the same. Some may need more time, trauma-informed work, or professional help.
These strategies should be gentle, optional, non-coercive.
Always adapt to the child's comfort (sensory preferences, physical boundaries, verbal ability).
What is Attunement?
Attunement is the practice of tuning in to your child’s inner world, reading their cues, listening with presence, and responding in a way that shows you truly “get” what they are feeling. When children feel attuned to, their nervous system settles, they develop trust, and they learn that their emotions are safe to express. Research on attachment shows that it’s not about being perfect, but about being responsive often enough that your child feels seen and supported.
Do’s and Don’ts of Attunement
Do pause, make eye contact, reflect their feelings back in words, and validate their experience (“That sounds frustrating, I understand why you feel upset”).
Don’t dismiss, minimize, or rush to fix (“Don’t cry, it’s not a big deal” or “You’ll be fine, forget about it”). Attunement is about connection first, problem-solving second.
A Simple Attunement Ritual for Kids
Try creating a five-minute “Feelings Check-In” at the same time each day, such as bedtime, at the dinner table or after school. Sit together without distractions, and invite your child/ren to share one high point and one hard point from their day.
Reflect back what you hear,
Name the emotions
Ask if they’d like a hug, advice, or just for you to listen.
This small ritual helps your child feel consistently understood and supported, building emotional safety that carries into every part of their life.
How Kinesiology and Breathwork Can Help
Kinesiology helps identify and release stored stress, old beliefs, and reactive patterns in both adults and children. Functional Breathwork resets the nervous system and Transformational Breathwork may release stored emotional debris, creating space for calm resilience and the emergence of healthier coping strategies.
For parents: Kinesiology sessions build self-regulation, compassion, develops new coping strategies, creates balance and aid developing contentment in life which children observe and reproduce. Breathwork sessions may help liberate "stuck" emotions from the stored emotional memory held in the body, this suppressed emotional pain and the pattern of avoidance and hypervigilance it establishes is considered by somatic therapists to be the origin of any mal-adaptive coping strategies (such as stone-walling or suppressing and erupting) Emerging research and empirical reports suggest the legacy of intergenerational trauma may also stay in the body through generations as a means to pass on the best survival information to our offspring, meaning any healing work you undertake may help rectify the root of maladaptive coping strategies through generations by feeling and healing the legacy of our ancestral trauma if it presents for release in a session. Check out my Breathwork Events or book Kinesiology
For kids: Gentle, supportive Kinesiology sessions can provide parents with insight, help kids manage stress, sleep better, express and handle big emotions without overwhelm.
Together, these approaches help families build a healthier emotional “baseline” so the next generation inherits more safety and resilience, not stress.
October School Holidays: A Gift for You and Your Child
To support families during the busy school holidays, I’m offering a special promotion:
Book ANY full price Kinesiology session (kids or adult) and get a kids Kinesiology session 25% off.
Because every parent and child deserve support and happiness. Valid for sessions attended Sunday 28th September Until Sunday 12th October. *Conditions: Must attend both sessions within specified dates, and mention redemption at time of booking or first attendance. Limit two uses per household.
Take this chance to support your child’s nervous system, emotions, and resilience, and to take some pressure off your parenting too! Book Now
Yours in health and happiness.
E xx
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